Here is an incident that i suddenly recalled today. Dont know why but it was so funny that its worth sharing.

During my graduation period I used to live with three friends - M, S, and R. M and S were more street smart compared to R, which in most of the cases let to a very hard time for R.

All four of us shared a kitchen and there used to be a maid that used to cook for us. One fine day she informed us that she would not be coming for the next two days due to some personal reason. Day 1 of her leave, I and M cooked food as S was good only for cutting vegetables and R was good only for washing utensils.

Since we didn’t want to cook again on day 2 we decided to bring some food home. So we used Gits packet to cook ‘Rabri’ and bought Patties from shop for dinner that day. Once we were through with dinner there were still 3 patties left which we decided to store for the next day. Now we were poor students and didn’t had the luxury of refrigerator, hence we decided to put them in a container and keep it floated in a pan full of water to keep it cool. (I don’t remember now who came up with this brilliant idea).

Now as it usually happens with maids, our maid did not turn up next morning at the scheduled time. M, S and myself were pretty used to staying hungry if the situation so demands but R was not used to it. By afternoon, we could hear his stomach rumbling. He came to our room and was sitting around, looking very hungry and uncomfortable. Here is the dialogue that happened then:

R: You guys feeling hungry?
Me & M: No. Not at all ( and continued reading)
R: Guys do something. We should eat.
Me: Don’t want to. U eat if you want.
R: (Roaming around uncomfortably) lets cook something.
Me: I don’t want to cook. I wont cook. If you are hungry then you cook.
R: I don’t know how to. You know that.
Me: Try or suffer. No sympathy from me. We are comfortable as we are.(Continue reading)

(After sometime)

R: Hey aren’t there some patties left?
M: Ya. There are 3. You can have them if you want.
R: (Highly suspicious) Why? You guys not having any
Me: No. Not sure if they are fine or not. Those patties were stuffed with potatoes so not sure whether they are good to eat. They might have spoiled in this heat.
R: (Goes and checks them) They appear to be OK
Me: Fine. Eat them.
R: (Hungry. Very Hungry but don’t know what to do. “to eat or not to eat is the question”). Lets share.
Me: Don’t want to. You eat if you are willing to risk it.

(R spends next 15 min trying to figure out if they were OK to eat or not and we were not willing to help him in any way)

R: Hey Ashish. Lets share them one each.
Me: (finally sick of this whole back and forth dialogue) Look dude. Here’s the deal. You take the risk and eat as many as you want or I take the risk and eat all three. Your choice.
R: But why cant both of us eats?
Me: Because here is a situation in which the risk cannot be minimized by sharing. No use both of us falling sick at the same time. So the good idea is either you fall sick or I do. You choose.

(Another 15 min of deliberation followed by more discussion, and M enjoying himself at my leisure, R finally decides to eat the patties himself. He end up eating 2 of the 3 patties. We let him and continue our surfing through some adult magazines.)

Lo. Behold! As soon as R finishes the patties (Somewhere around 2.30 PM) our maid makes an entry into our humble adobe to cook the evening meal.

Maid: (Looking at the remaining patties) Aye Bhai. Should I throw this patties out? Its all spoiled.

(You guys can imagine the look on R’s face. HE HAD JUST CONSUMED TWO OF THOSE)

R: (Fanatically) What do I do? What do I do?
Us(still relaxed): Nothing. Wait for feed poisoning to set in?
R: Food poisoning!! What do I do?
Me: Wait for half hour. That’s when the food will be absorbed by the intestines and will enter your system. I would give you about 1 hour before you start feeling sick. (The knowledgeable me!!)
R: Sick. As in how sick?
Me: Depends on the infection. Cant say for sure.
M(catching on and extrapolating): Food poisoning usually leads to vomiting, loose motion and dehydration. Can end up in hospitalization for a couple of days or worse.

(R was really sweating now. In the meantime S also made and entry into the situation and we briefed him on the situation. He is smarter than both of us combined, so here goes his conversation)

S: How long since you have eaten those patties?
R: 35 min
S: Too bad. You could have tried vomiting to clean your stomach. Now its late and they must be getting absorbed in your system.
R: What do I do?
S: Do you feel faint?
R(thinking): I think so
S: Uneasiness in stomach
R: Ya. I can feel that
S: Dizzy feeling. Uncomfortable.
R(Fully convinced): Ya. Ya
S: Then you are going the food poisoning way. Sorry

(R is now fanatic and wants us to help in any way possible)

R: What do I do? What do I do guys?
Me: (Thinking aloud). You know, you can build your body resistance through vitamin C. Why don’t you have some ‘Neebu paani’? probably that might help.
R: (Running to kitchen) Where are the lemons?
M: Finished. No more in the kitchen. You will have to go and buy them.
R. Where from?
M: Go to Phoolbaag (That was 2 km away…and we are talking about mid summer in gwalior – 48 degree centigrade.)
S: Also I think it would be a good idea to buy some apples. Apples are good for health.

R rushes out and walks the whole distance to bring lemons and apples. He did all the work and then maid prepared nice ‘Neeu paani’ which we all had followed by some apples.

Needless to say R did not suffer any after affects of having the spoiled patties. But it was an entertaining 4 hours that we spend.

I still remember a statement that S made to M and myself after this “ If I would have told R that eating a dog’s potty would have cured him, I am sure he would have done that too at that point of time. Damn! I missed my chance.”